December 2011

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23
Dec

Weeks One-Three:

  • Receive notifications of impending review
  • Ignore email and hope it will go away

Week Four:

  • Receive reminder of imminent deadline
  • Skim instructions and open review form
  • Stare blankly at form for ten minutes
  • Feel the weight of all your co-workers surrounding you
  • Swallow down wave of nausea and panic
  • Close review form

Week Four (Friday deadline):

  • Inform employer you will be late in to the office
  • Open review form
  • Try, unsuccessfully, to think of a single worthwhile thing you have accomplished this year
  • Try, unsuccessfully, to think of a single worthwhile thing you have accomplished since you came equal-first in the school piano competition in year 8
  • Swallow down wave of nausea and panic
  • Grab a soothing beer from the fridge
  • Go to first Nine Inch Nails song in iTunes.
  • Press play

Week Four (Friday deadline, 3pm):

  • Bow down before the one you serve.
  • You’re going to get what you deserve.
  • Bow down before the one you serve.
  • You’re going to get what you deserve.
  • HEAD LIKE A HOLE! BLACK AS YOUR SOUL!
  • I'D RATHER DIE THAN GIVE YOU CONTROL!

Week Four (Friday deadline, 6pm):

  • Count empty bottles
  • Stare at still-blank form
  • Feel deep hatred of all those people who don't spend their days in a black pit of self-loathing, and curse their ability to say nice things about themselves seemingly at will
  • Text significant other and ask her to grab more beer on the way home
  • Make a note to file the day as Annual Leave

Week Five:

  • Receive reminder that deadline has passed
  • Worry that the fact you always miss these deadlines will count against you in your review

Week Five (later…):

  • Receive second reminder that deadline has passed
  • Find an empty room in the office where nobody is within looming distance
  • Open form
  • Swallow down wave of nausea and panic
  • Find some way to write “I did OKish… I guess?” in as many words/numbers/slider widgets as is required by the process
  • Hit submit
  • Count down the minutes until it is socially acceptable to have a drink

Week Six:

  • Receive notification that feedback is now available
  • Ignore email and hope it will go away

Week Six (Review Day):

  • Realise that calling in sick isn't going to help anything.
  • Swallow down wave of nausea and panic
  • Open feedback document
  • For any negative feedback, take as an affirmation of your worst fears
  • For any positive feedback, dismiss it because, you know, the process forces people say at least one nice thing about you
  • Go into face-to-face review
  • Reiterate “I did OKish… I guess?” in as much time as is required by the process
  • Buy more beer on way home