Now Hiring: Enterprise Senior Support Engineer

May 12, 2014 1:12 PM

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Help! Stuck in Turbolift!
Reporter: Williams, D. Lieutenant
Priority: Critical
Version: NCC-1701

Description:

The Turbolift is not moving, no matter how many times I state my destination to the computer.

Comment from Bandt, G. Ensign

I am reducing the priority of this issue from Critical to High. While we appreciate the urgency of your situation, Critical priority is reserved for issues that may impact the integrity or spaceworthiness of the vessel.

Old Enterprise versions do not have a reliable voice control in the Turbolift. Have you tried twisting the cylindrical handle clockwise or anticlockwise?

Comment from Williams, D. Lieutenant

I rotated the handle anticlockwise and I am now in Engineering. Please close the issue, I will find someone here to show me how to get to the Bridge.

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From: Cordova, M. Lieutenant Commander
To: enterprise-support@starfleet.gov
Subject: Auxiliary Power

It has come to my attention that many support engineers are reducing their “time to first response” by, on receiving a new case, immediately bouncing it back to the customer with the comment: “Have you tried diverting auxiliary power to the affected system?”

While diverting auxiliary power is often a good short-term fix, suggesting it in every case will only reduce the confidence our customers have in our service, and increase the perception that we are just making guesses instead of taking the time to understand the issue and provide informed advice.

As Starfleet officers, we should take pride in the service we provide, and not resort to cheap shortcuts to artificially boost our metrics.

LtC. Michelle Cordova
Team Lead, Enterprise Support

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Starship adrift! Please Escalate!
Reporter: Picard, J-L. Captain
Priority: Blocker
Version: NCC-1701-D

Description:

It has been seven days since I opened my previous ticket re: having completely lost control of my Starship. The Enterprise is currently adrift in space, main power is dead as are the warp and impulse engines. We are locked out of the computer and all diagnostics and overrides have so far been fruitless.

Despite this dire situation we have found ourselves being bounced back and forth by a junior engineer who does not seem to appreciate the gravity of the situation, or even be able to provide us with an idea of how much longer our situation will have gravity!

We have approximately four days of auxiliary power remaining (Thank you for that suggestion, it would SO OBVIOUSLY have not been the very first thing we tried ourselves!) and would appreciate the attention of a more senior engineer before then.

Comment from Garvin T. Snr Ensign

Hi, I was assigned to help you with your case. I have reviewed the previous tickets and will be working personally with you going forward until we have found a solution.

Have you checked Jeffries Tube 194a? The problem you are experiencing could be caused by a crystalline intelligence having taken refuge in your substructure, using that location as a beach-head to control the core engineering functions of your starship.

As a higher form of life you may not wish to kill it, but short bursts of gamma radiation triggered manually from the deflector dish can make it uncomfortable enough to leave on its own.

Comment from Picard, J-L. Captain

That was exactly right! How did you know? Please close the issue.

Comment from Garvin T. Snr Ensign

It happens more often than you think.

Comment from System

Thank you for contacting Enterprise Support. Now your case is closed, we would appreciate if you took a moment to fill out the following survey:

On a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 is “never” and 10 is “always”, how likely would you be to recommend Enterprise Support to a friend or colleague?

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From: Cordova, M. Lieutenant Commander
To: enterprise-support@starfleet.gov
Subject: First and last warning.

Everything in my previous email referring to diverting auxiliary power _also_ applies to reversing the polarity.

LtC. Michelle Cordova
Team Lead, Enterprise Support

Ideas shamelessly stolen from Chris and Conor. Also, Atlassian is hiring an Enterprise Senior Support Engineer, but I can’t guarantee you’d end up fixing warp core breaches if you applied.

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