Lung cancer? I wanted heart disease. – man in the street complaining about the warning label on his cigarette packet.

And my mother, on how Microsoft may yet help her with her overly complicated life:

I need a Powerpoint life.
I need to condense my life into a series of dot-points.
I need to dream in dot-points.

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You are ALL BASTARDS!

...

I always thought “Palm Pilot” made a better euphemism than a product name:

Well, he's OK, but he's a bit of a palm pilot...