The Scenario:

The party is dragging on late, and Mitch Green is not at all in the mood for going home alone. Unfortunately, it's one of those sterile company functions, a bunch of pretentious suits who think they're industry heavyweights, having long dull conversations about what they are sure will be the next big thing in Insurance.

Then he spots her. Tall, blonde, perfect. The look on her face mirrors his own boredom as a balding man in glasses talks earnestly at her chest about the last quarter sales figures. Mitch recognises her, they had a brief fling a year ago, but never anything serious. Now if only he could remember her name!

He wanders nonchalantly over to the table near her to refill his champagne. He fumbles in his pocket for his keyring, and smiles to himself. He walks up behind her confidently and whispers "Hi, Julia, it's me, Mitch. Congratulations on your promotion. Do you still have that thing for candles and whipped cream?"

She grins broadly, looks him straight in the eye, and says "Your place. Fifteen minutes."

Fifteen minutes later, they stumble through the front door of his apartment. The lights are already dimmed to her preferred mbiance. Wafting through the air is the scent of sandalwood, her favourite, and the notes of the jazz CD that she bought him all those months ago, and he hasn't listened to since. Just in case, the computer in the study is ordering a present for her birthday (two weeks away) over the Internet, and Mitch's PDA already has this day next year listed as their "first anniversary".

Introducing: Jini SOC technology.

So how was this done? Mitch was taking advantage of Sun Microsystems new Jini technology. When he and Julia had their brief fling a year ago, Mitch had the foresight to have a SOC (Significant Other Chip) implanted in her neck. In it was securely housed everything that he felt he might want to know about her, saving him the trouble of having to remember it himself.

Using wireless communication, and Java's Remote Method Invocation technology, Mitch was able to retrieve this information not only for his own use through the receiver in his keyring, but have the SOC interface with his Jini-enabled appliances to create the perfect mood, and even relieve him of all the day to day hassles of maintaining the relationship.

Advantages of the SOC:

• Convenience:
  • Most traditional methods of storing information about one's significant others are reliant on a central storage of data. Such methods are unreliable, and would mean that to be prepared, you would have to carry around the entire database of all past partners, all the time. With Jini SOC technology, the information is always exactly where you need it: with her.
• Security:
  • All data storage and retrieval takes advantage of Public Key encryption, so your conquests are safe from the prying eyes of relatives, neighbours, or your or her subsequent or previous partners.
  • (Note, due to US export controls on encryption, this will mean your girlfriend will be classed as a munition, and will be restricted from departing the USA without a licence from the Department of Defence.)
• Interaction:
  • The SOC uses Jini technology to seamlessly interface with any other Jini enabled device. Smart devices can use the SOC to store information about how hot she likes her coffee, or how brown she likes her toast in the morning, and replicate this behaviour at a later date, even if you have moved house, and replaced all your kitchen appliances!

Optional Extras:

• SOC Time-Sharing Assistant:
  • This software package for your Jini-enabled PDA takes care of scheduling your social life for those embarrassing occasions where you do not wish multiple partners to be aware of each others existance. Using a sophisticated combination of scheduling algorithms, data gathered about your partners' social activities, and as a last resort, a proximity alarm, this package will remove all the stress from your complex and confusing love life.
• Bio-Monitoring System
  • By coupling a simple bundle of sensors to the implanted SOC, measuring such things as body temperature, rate of breathing, blood pressure, and levels of various hormones in the blood, the SOC is able to accurately measure the physical state of your partner, and give you advance warning of impending anxiety attacks, anger, or random violence.
  • An optional, freely-downloadable applet allows you to receive a running report of relevant aspects of your partner's physical state during sex, and a written 'scorecard' afterwards, to help you tune yourself better to her needs.

Conclusion:

So say goodbye to forgetting birthdays and anniversaries. Say goodbye to social faux pas. Say goodbye forever to crying out the wrong name during sex. Say hello to one or more happy, fulfilling, and perfectly sincere relationships, consecutive or concurrent. With Jini SOC technology, your life will never be the same again.

Note: Java, Jini and Sun are registered trademarks of Sun Microsystems, used without permission for the purpose of parody.